A road to wherever it takes me to

A working life awaits me in 2010. I've lived for almost 24 years on planet earth. That's quite far, although the journey is still far from the finish line.

Growing up was a clueless phase of life. Nobody really knows what goes on around them even after puberty hits. There wasn't any 'Growing up for dummies', 'Guide to live life in the 90s' or 'DIY : Build a decent life ahead of you!'.

At some point, my friends belonged in clans such as skinheads, hip hoppers, skaters, jocks etc because they wanted to identify themselves as they don't have a stable identity. Once they were fed up, they leave their clans. Now, a friend who used to be a skinhead fashions an expensive looking haircut. I was never interested, but it was interesting to have such friends.

Then, people around me had all sorts of ambitions, ranging from buying fast cars to big houses, wanting to become pilots, doctors and lawyers. I had a few ambitions : to be a footballer, or a rock star or a music journalist. None came true. I never really wanted any Mercedes or BMW like they did. The only ambition i had was to be like my mom, a nice, wonderful person. To be frank, i don't have any concrete desire to be a dad as i never had one, physically. And sometimes i do feel gutted that i don't miss my dad much, because i never really had the change to get to know him. But i do believe God has taken him somewhere better, far from the evils of the world.

At the age of 12, my mom wanted me to enroll at some school in Melaka, i wanted to go to a boarding school in Perlis, in the end i settled down schooling in an all boys' school in Alor Setar for my lower secondary. I love the people at that school and look up to them very much because i was surrounded by females at my house : my mama, grandma and my 2 sisters. They were like, 'I'm a fifth former, you're in form one, i'm not your brother, you're my friend. So don't call me abang.'

I was lucky enough to get a good result for my PMR, and packed my bags to Langkawi. I still remember filling up some kind of survey when i first arrived in Langkawi, that i wanted to someday continue my studies at Liverpool. That was just a joke, because i was such a big fan of Liverpool FC. There was not even the faintest of ideas that i would end up overseas. Russia was not even on my mind. It never crossed my mind that i would take up a 3rd language and study medicine in a former communist country.

So i got lucky again for SPM, and received an offer to go Russia and accepted it without much thought. That is a big deal, i guess. There are others who would do anything to be in my shoes, to study overseas and all that jazz. So again, i am just thankful for that. I chatted with a friend who told me he was jealous of friends who are studying overseas, but both me and him believe his time will come in the future. But all i can tell is, there's not much difference between studying overseas and in Malaysia except the weather. The difference between mediocrity and greatness is hardwork, and i am the kind who believes in hard work more than anything else. It's easy for me to say, i guess, because i got the offer.

Thinking back, I just didn't look beyond engineering and medicine because people kept saying there's a lack of those 2 professions in Malaysia. Plus, my mother was a doctor. And so, without knowing that much of the medical world at that time, i took up medicine, hoping that it would grant me a decent life ahead. I don't know whether those 2 reasons are strong foundations for me to be a good doctor.

Don't get me wrong, i am not regretting my choice whatsoever. For anything that has gone by, there's a slice of fate attached to it. Now i hope i will become a wonderful doctor someday, whatever that means. Some friends have decided on which specialisation they want to be in, but I don't look (yet) beyond my 2 years of housemanship. I don't know where this ambitionless state would lead me to, but i do believe it will lead me somewhere. The same thing with my car. I don't look beyond using any car besides my Proton Satria yet, because as long as it can move, i wish i could still be using it. Some call that zuhud, but i am not it. Marriage is just beyond my cognitive ability at the moment.

Maybe there will come a time for me to have a proper ambition and work out for it but i never had any proper planning and everything just happened by chance in my life. I don't have that consistent identity yet. I've seen friends who have foundd their identities and become matured, some politician like, some leadership like and all that. I really admire them.

If i have to give you an advice, do have a proper plan for whatever you want to do. Look forward to tomorrow, put your daily goals, your short term goals so that you have a sense of accomplishment in yourself and you don't wake up every morning not knowing what to do. I think that's what being progressive is all about. I don't do that, but i think planning is cool and i hope to change myself and become a proper planner.

Ceramah motivasi lah pulak. Haha.

Sometimes when i look back, all i can say is, i'm just so lucky to be blessed with these 23 and a half years of living. I always ask myself, what if i had gone to that boarding school in Perlis, or not go to Langkawi after my PMR. Would i have met the same nice people who have coloured my life or experience this journey. I haven't been a good guy, am not close to God and far from being a good Muslim, but i try to honestly thank God for everything and everyone i've been blessed with. God knows i am doing all i can to be a better man. I take every experience that has come my way as it is.

In the end, I don't know where will my legs take me to, or what my eyes may see, or what will happen to my muscular body, or what will i eat tomorrow, but i'm sure looking forward to it.

Oh hell yeah.

PS : Had roti jala (netbread.Go figure) for dinner tonight instead of rice. Have to say 'wow' to myself.